Warrior Princess Gobble?
by Silk
Summary: A series of short stories originally posted in '97 & '98 featuring Xena and Gabrielle and some feathered friends. A fun romp through a couple of holidays and even an invasion.
1. The Great Turkey Mystery

**DISCLAIMER:** Xena, Gabrielle, and some others are here for the Harvest Festivities from MCA/Universal/Renaissance. Hope they like the potatoes. Btw...yes I know that turkeys are a New World bird, however like the show itself plenty of poetic license is taken. This series was first published back in '97 - '98. What started out as a bit of Thanksgiving day fun grew into a small series. Enjoy.

**The Great Turkey Mystery  
or  
T.L.F. (Turkey Liberation Front)**  
_**by Silk**_

The racket seemed loud to the conspirators. A quick hand grasped the offending beak and the group stilled listening to see if they had been discovered. After a few tense moments the leader whispered.

"OK. Let's go. Remember...keep quiet."

Through the village the troop crept. Twice more they had to stop in the shadows of a building to hide from a passerby, their hearts thundering so loud in their chest that each thought it would be heard.

Finally they reaching their destination, the leader quickly looked inside. Seeing no one, a quickly pull opened the door further and a silent signal hurried the others inside.

"I hope they don't find out," whispered a small voice.

"Don't worry. By the time they find them, the feast will be over and they won't have a reason to kill them," reasoned the leader. "It's up to each of us to convince them too...OK?"

"Are you sure? I couldn't stand them killing Speckles," asked another.

"We could release them in the woods, but we can't risk them following us back. Don't worry this is a good place to hide," the leader smiled reassuringly. Setting down a sack and opening up the end the dark figure gave the bag a quick shake and with a flurry of feathers the family turkey shot out.

"Come on," the leader whispered. "Let yours go, they'll be safe here. Trust me."

Moments later the door opened again and the conspirators crept out.

"Remember not to tell anyone," the leader reminded them. As the group nodded, a bright smile could be seen in the darkness from the leaders face. "Good. See you all tomorrow."

Quietly they split up, each going to their houses to await the next day's feast anxiously.

Gabrielle peeled another onion and started dicing it into fine cubes. Wiping her eyes on her clothed shoulder, she looked up and grinned sheepishly at Cyrene.

The day was early still, a bright clear crisp day. _A fine day for a Harvest Festival if I do say so myself, _the bard thought to herself silently. _I hope Xena comes back from doing her sword drills soon, I'd like her to spend some more time with her family, she needs it._

"Strong onions this year," Cyrene observed, her eyes twinkling merrily as she looked at her daughter's companion.

Gabrielle chuckled. "I'd better hurry with these onions, or by the time I'm done I'm going to look so horrible that Xena will give me one look and be ready to go on the warpath, thinking I've been crying about something again."

"Yes. She is rather...protective, isn't she," the innkeeper commented. It was nice to have her daughter and her bard friend here for a few days, just in time for the Harvest Festival. _Maybe I could talk them into coming by for Solstice too. It's been so many years since I've had my daughter here for the winter holiday...let alone any holiday._

Gabrielle quickly finished chopping up the vegetables that Cyrene would use for the stuffing. "Anything else need doing?"

Cyrene shook her head. "Just need to shuffle dishes back and forth into the ovens, and I can do that. Toris is out butchering the turkey now, and I usually handle all the preparation on the bird myself."

The younger woman's stomach rumbled hungrily at the thought. Blushing she patted her stomach reassuringly. _Stop that! Just think of the feast later, ok?_

Cyrene heard the loud rumble and passed a fruit filled tart to the blond. "Eat that. I'm sure it won't spoil your appetite later." She winked.

Gabrielle grinned sheepishly. "I doubt it will either...MMmmMMmm..good," she mumbled through a tasty bite. "Well the children are waiting for me probably, I told them I'd spend some time with them in the square today telling stories." She stuffed the last morsel into her mouth and licked her fingers happily. _By the gods! If I lived here for any amount of time I'd be the size of Argo for sure. _

The innkeeper mixed the last of the ingredients for the stuffing as she smiled to her helper. "That's fine dear, don't worry about me. Go and entertain the children."

"Thank you." Peeking Cyrene quickly on the cheek, Gabrielle walked out of the inn and made her way to the village square.

Rounding a last corner she paused as she saw, not the crowd of children that had promised to meet her, but a group of angry citizens.

"Don't tell me I'm blind! I tell you I looked everywhere." Said one man, almost shouting to the local constable.

"Yeah! And mines gone too!" cried another.

"Chicken theft is bad enough, but to steal someone's Harvest turkey? That's..that's..."

"My wife's furious! I don't dare go home without our bird. And my was tied up!"

"So was mine!"

The small crowd surrounding the beleaguered constable surged forward, their complaints rising in intensity and volume.

Gabrielle raise her eyebrows in puzzlement. _Everyone's turkey is gone? How odd...oh no, I'd better go check and see if Toris has Cyrene's._

Quickly the bard returned to the inn, but instead of heading inside, she went around to the back enclosure. Seeing Toris in the midst of the yard, she called out.

"Toris?"

The tall dark man smiled as he turned and saw the small woman. Even his smile was a mirror of his younger sister Xena's. "All done helping mother?"

"Yes. In fact that's why I'm looking for you. Is the turkey ready?" she asked hesitantly.

Toris frowned and shrugged. "I can't find the blasted thing. It was back here with the chickens in the coop last night, but it's missing now."

Gabrielle gasped. "Others are missing too. I just came back from the village square, a lot of the village men are there right now."

Toris scowled, his blue eyes flashing. "Damn. Ok...I'd better go. Tell mother for me?"

The bard nodded and headed towards the kitchen door. _Now who would steel turkeys from the village but not any other livestock?_ she pondered.

Cyrene was surprised to see Gabrielle back so soon from the storytelling. She was about to ask her what had brought her back, when she saw the perplexed look on the younger woman's face. Wiping her hands on her apron she raised an eyebrow as Gabrielle came and stood beside her. "What's going on? Didn't the children want to hear stories today?"

"The children weren't there. Toris sent me to you...umm...he told me to tell you the turkey is missing." She hurried on as Cyrene's eyebrows rose even higher. "Others are missing all over the village. He's gone to the village square where some of the men are right now talking to the constable."

"Just the turkeys?" The innkeeper asked.

Gabrielle nodded.

"How odd." The older woman said, a strange gleam in her eye.

Xena whistled happily as she walked back from the glade where she used to practice sword drills with Lyceus when they were young. It had been a long time since she had visited the place and thought that it would be painful. Surprisingly instead the workout in the quiet serene place had invigorated her, bringing only pleasant memories for once.

Snatching out a quick hand she plucked a falling leaf out of the air and gazed at it absently, her thoughts on her family and friends. Then, nearing the backend of the village and the inn, she paused as she sensed another person nearby coming towards her.

Slow she waited, her eyes searching the woods. Then a flash caught her eyes, and she relaxed. Smiling she intercepted her mother.

"Mother? What brings you out here?" Xena dropped the leaf and looked at Cyrene in concern.

Cyrene cocked an eyebrow and gazed at her daughter in silence for a moment.

"Mother?" Xena repeated, reaching out a hesitant hand.

Cyrene sighed and rolled her eyes. "What did you do with them?"

"Do with what?" the warrior asked.

"Xenaaa. Don't pull that with me, I know you took them. Or do I have to remind you of when you were a child and you and your younger brother stole every turkey in the village in order to 'save' them?"

Xena's cheeks slowly turned red with embarrassment. "You remembered that?"

"I'm a mother. Of course I do." Cyrene put her hands on her hips and glanced up at her daughter.

"Ummm..." Xena searched for an explanation.

Cyrene wasn't in the mood for being patient. "I'm surprised at you. Stealing turkey's for no reason."

"But.."

"And here I'd thought you were a grown woman."

"But Mother..."

"Depriving the villagers..Again...of their Harvest turkeys."

"Mother stop! Let me explain. Please." Xena begged.

Cyrene stood there, silently waiting.

Xena let out a deep breath. "Yesterday, I was listening to Gabrielle tell some of the children stories. I didn't let them know I was there listening...you know people here, especially the children, are still scared of me after all this time." Seeing no reaction from her mother, the warrior continued. "Well after Gabrielle left, the children stayed and talked amongst themselves. Mother...they were so sad that the turkeys were going to be killed."

"You know how it is. Everyone buys a young gobbler and it lives with the family for months. It's usually the children's responsibility to care and feed them..and well..the kids get attached to them. Just like Lyceus and I did with...Wobble."

Cyrene's lip twitched a little but she kept her face still. "And the children were upset at having their pet...turkeys killed today?"

Xena nodded. "I had to do something, so I came out of the shadows and talked to them."

"You mean to tell me some of the children helped you with this escapade?" Cyrene asked in disbelief. She knew the children were still scared of her daughter, but she couldn't quite believe some of them would be in league with her.

Xena shrugged and blushed harder. "Well, actually...all of the children in the village helped. We hid all the turkeys and I'm not going to tell you where they are," she said fiercely.

Cyrene was quiet for a long time considering her daughter and the situation.

Under the scrutiny of those blue eyes, that she had inherited herself, Xena stood up straight, refusing to give in.

Finally, Cyrene grinned wryly and threw up her hands in defeat. "I guess we can have chicken or a nice roast for today. But Xena...you do plan on returning them don't you?"

Smiling broadly Xena settled her arm along her mother's shoulders and walked her the short distance back to the inn.

"Don't worry, in a couple of days turkeys will start appearing in people's pens. By that time the children should convince their parents that they are devastated by their pets loss." Xena chuckled along with her mother.

Walking through the back gate, Cyrene's head swerved toward a conspicuous sound coming from their old unused stable. Turning her gaze back to her daughter, who was pointedly ignoring the building, she leaned into her tall offspring's side and nudged her in the ribs.

"My daughter. Xena: The Great Turkey Liberator." The two walked into the kitchen laughing easily with each other for the first time in years

The End

11/27/97


	2. The Great Turkey Crusade

**DISCLAIMERS:** Xena and Gabrielle are visiting you here for the holidays. Hohoho says MCA/Universal/Renaissance. Hohoho says I, as I wave my little stocking with the card on it that says I'm writing this for fun and not for profit. But you can fill my stocking anyway~Senticles I'd like a Xena dollie..I ain't got one yet! Please?;}

This story directly follows "The Great Turkey Mystery" or otherwise known as "T.L.F. Turkey Liberation Front", and I highly suggest you read it first, because I asked you too and because it'll help you with this story;}

No violence, though apparently a snowman was mistaken for an intruder and got his head sliced off with a chakram. No subtext, unless you count the turkeys in the barn making lil turkeys. No cussin, unless you count what Gab is muttering under her breath, cause they ran outta nutbread. Hope you enjoy the read and have a happy Solstice or whatever you call it where you live. HoHoHoHoHo...says Argo. You'll understand later..hehe.

**The Great Turkey Crusade  
or  
T.L.F. (Turkey Liberation Front) on the Offensive**  
_**by Silk**_

Gabrielle yawned and opened her eyes blearily. The sun was still high and the sky was clear. Gazing over Xena's shoulder, she looked down the road, but saw no farms yet, only trees burdened with fresh snow from the night before.

"How long?" she asked.

"You've been napping for two hours now," answered Xena with a quick smile over her shoulder.

The bard slapped her friend on the shoulder. "I don't take naps! I take..umm..I rest my eyes..yeah..I rest my eyes." She grinned back. "Besides, that wasn't what I was asking. How long until we are home?"

Gabrielle chuckled at the stunned expression that passed quickly on Xena's face.

"You consider Amphipolis home?" the warrior asked quietly.

The blond woman didn't hesitate in her answer. "Poteidaia is where my mother, father, and sister live. I haven't felt at home there for a long time. Amphipolis and Amazonia are...well...I don't know how to explain it."

Xena chuckled, "I know..._home_. Well, don't worry, one more hour and we will be getting fattened up by Mom's cooking," The warrior grinned as she watched her companion's eyes close dreamily at the thought. "We'll have to make sure we keep ourselves busy, so we don't waddle out of town after Solstice is over."

Soon they spotted the first farm, and the trio's energy grew at the sight, knowing that the town was close. Argo's hooves danced through the snow, until finally Xena laughed and gave the mare her head.

With a groan, Gabrielle held on for dear life. Though secretly she liked the horse and often snuck her a quick apple when Xena wasn't looking, the two of them were comfortable in their apparent intolerance of each other in front of the warrior.

Snow flying around them from Argo's hooves, they raced down the road, and through the village, taking care not to run anyone down, of course.

With a cry of pure delight, Xena finally reigned in Argo at the door to the inn. Hopping off, she reached up and helped her friend down. "I'll go take care of Argo, you go say hi, all right?"

"No problem. This way I'll get fed before you do." Gabrielle's eyes twinkled.

"Just leave some for me," quipped the warrior, as she led her mare to the inn's stable.

She was brushing Argo briskly and making sure the mare had a nice warm mash, when she heard the barn door open, and several small feet coming tumbling in.

"I told you...Terrin saw her come into town, and her friend is talking to Cyrene right now. She's got to be in here," whispered a stern little voice.

Xena peered around the wall and smiled at the group of youngsters that had come to greet her. "Hi."

The children were standing there staring at her, uncertainty and fear on all their faces, except for one.

One little boy nudged his way forward and started toward the warrior. As he came up to her, he peered over his shoulder. "Well? Come on...it's only Xena. She'll help us..just like before."

"Help you with what?" Xena knelt down and asked the child, smiling at the others as they came to join them.

"The turkeys."

The dark-haired woman raised an eyebrow. "What happened? I thought Mom was going to return them when your parents finally talked sense?"

"She couldn't. Our parents are still real mad, so we had to keep them all hidden," said a little girl with tears starting to run down her face. "Mama wants to eat Midget for the Feast," she cried.

"Really?" Xena reached out a hand and wiped the tears away.

"Yeah...my da and the others say that if the turkeys don't show up there's not going to be any Solstice Feast or any presents for us." The little girl looked up into Xena's blue eyes soulfully.

Xena thought for a moment, then leaned in and whispered to the children. "Well...we'll just have to change their minds for them. Won't we?" She grinned as the children smiled at her.

Xena: The Great Turkey Liberator was back and it was payback time. Nobody threatened the turkeys of this village...nobody.

The village square was the center of Amphipolis for more than one reason. Besides being set in the exact center, it was built for a meeting place for the town citizens to come together. News, grave and good, was always brought here first, and even in the midst of winter, people could be found here.

"Did you know that Pristia went to the healer's again?" whispered the mayor's wife, Mifinia to the baker.

"No? For that terrible problem she's been having?"

"Yes." Mifinia nodded sagely. "That rash has crept up on her again. I don't know how she can stand to sit..."

"Ok..one..two..three...Now!" hissed the voice from behind a barn.

Suddenly the village square was under siege, as a flurry of snowballs flew from a variety of places.

*BAF* The sound of a snowball exploding in Mifinia's face, caused a low chuckle to come out from behind the barn. Then another hit. *BAF*And another, this time to a man trying to scurry away out of the line of fire. *BAF* The snowball hit him in the back of the head, and pushing him over into a snowdrift.

On and on the snowballs came, until finally the attack ceased at a whistled signal.

The square was quiet, bodies laying everywhere, moans of the victims clearly heard. Mifinia and several others cautiously looked up, and when no snowy spheres appeared, the people started to stand up shakily.

"Well...I never!" cried Mifinia.

Out of the nowhere came a voice, echoing so badly in the square, that no one could tell where it came from, or who it was.

"Let the turkeys live or Amphipolis will suffer my wrath yet again!"

A lone snowball flew out from behind a house, its aim true. *BAF* Mifinia, the mayors wife, kissed the snow covered ground once again.

Xena casually took a sip of her ale, then set down the tankard again.

"Now what are you accusing me of again?" She said with an eyebrow raised at the crowd of irate villagers standing before her.

Gatrin, the Mayor, rested his big hands on the table and leaned forward towards her, frowning. "You hit my wife with a snowball!"

"Yeah and you hit me too!" cried the baker in annoyance.

"Me too!" came a dozen cries, the majority of the people standing well behind Gatrin, so that if the warrior did anything, more than likely their esteemed mayor would get it first, leaving them time enough to flee...hopefully.

The warrior shrugged. "Sorry. But it wasn't me."

"I don't believe you!" growled Gatrin, waggling a finger at her.

"I don't give a d..." Xena started to say, but was interrupted by her mother.

"Xena, watch your mouth." Cyrene admonished, then turned to Gatrin. "She said she didn't do it..that should be enough for you."

"Well it isn't."

"Fine," the innkeeper sighed. "She was sitting here anyway, eating dinner. Marshul, Irenities, and Quentis were all here, they can vouch for her too. Now either buy a drink or get out, you're bothering my customers." Cyrene placed her hands on her hips and glared at the mayor.

"Marshul, Irenities, and Quentis hmmm? Ok...I guess it wasn't you." Gatrin stood up straight and looked down at Xena with an embarrassed look. "I'm sor..."

"No problem." Xena interrupted and picked up her tankard again, taking a long swallow. "But you know... I think I know who..or what it was."

"What do you mean by what?" Gatrin asked curiously.

"You've heard of Senticles of course?" the warrior asked, then went on as she saw the nods.

"I travel alot..and well I heard of one town last year that refused to celebrate Solstice anymore and said that if Senticles came to their village, that they'd lock him up as a fraud."

"No?" muttered the people, whispers and worried murmurs traveling among them.

"What happened to them?" asked one woman anxiously.

"Things started to happen. Sightings."

"Sightings? Of what?" Gatrin asked in a whisper.

"Little people. Supposedly the size of children, with big pointed ears, and able to do magic. They said they were Senticles servants, there to punish the people of the village for not believing in Solstice anymore. They didn't stop terrorizing the town with tricks and mayhem for an entire year...until the villagers celebrated Solstice again, that is." Xena explained.

"The size of children? Oh my...Gatrin.." A woman tugged on the mayor's shirt to get his attention.

"What?"

"I thought I saw a child throwing a snowball from behind the barrel. I didn't get a good look..but..but what if it wasn't a child?" she asked frantically.

The murmurs and tense whispers flared up in tense speculation.

Gatrin thought a moment, his face pale. Then turning to the citizens he waved them to silence. "Quiet. Quiet. Ok...we need to have a town council meeting. Everyone meet in Articlies barn. It will be cramped..but better than making ourselves targets out in the square. Tell your neighbors, we meet in one hour."

Xena watched over the lip of her tankard, as the crowd thinned and disappeared from the inn. Looking to her right, she smiled at her mother innocently.

Cyrene rolled her eyes. "I told the truth. You were here...but I know you Xena. You're involved up to your blue eyes in this."

"Me?" Blue eyes twinkled merrily. "Never."

Solstice Eve came, and with it came the feast.

Having considered the possibility of being terrorized by who knew how many magical servants, of a man who was obviously bless by the gods and becoming a symbol of Solstice itself, the villagers quickly gave in to the children and plans for the Solstice feast were rapidly made.

Turkeys started mysteriously appearing in pens in people's backyards, to the perplexity of the parents, but also to the joy of the children to see their pets.

The inn usually hosted a grand feast, for those who didn't have family or those small families who'd rather spend the happy occasion with a large crowd of their friends and neighbors. And this year, it hosted a wondrous feast, with stuffed partridge. Minced and fruit pies. Vegetable dishes of numerous kinds. Vintage and port cheeses. Breads twisted into complicated knots and glazed to shining perfection. Ales, wines, and fruit drinks to please any palate. It was a vast table that Cyrene had set, and as Xena looked around the table, looking fondly at her brother, her mother, and Gabrielle, who was happily making a great dent in the feast before her much to everyone's amusement, she realized that yes this was home. It hadn't been one to her for many years, but lately she'd been thinking more and more of this place.

Xena smiled. _Yeah..It's nice to be home._

Her thoughts vanished as the door swung open, letting in a cold wind, and a child.

The little boy looked at Xena and grinned impishly, then turned to the rest of the room. "Everyone come outside. We have a surprise for you!" Then he quickly disappeared out into the snowy evening.

The group of feasters stood, asking among themselves what the child was talking about. Xena joined Gabrielle as the crowd stepped outside. People came out of every house to the cries of the child herald, whispers and mutters of curiosity running down the street.

"What's going on?" Xena looked around, but couldn't see anything that could be construed as a surprise.

"I have no idea," replied the bard as she huddled in closer to Xena, neither of them, or anyone else for that matter, having brought out a cloak.

Anxiously everyone waited, until finally a bright glow could be seen around the corner, near the village square, moving slowly in their direction.

As it rounded the corner, Xena wasn't sure what to make of it at first, but then shrugged and went along with it and watched in amusement.

Children marched, danced and leaped down the street wearing outlandish and fanciful custumes. One was wearing the wings of a fairy, another small lad wore large leather ears and winked at Xena as he went by. Suddenly at a signal from one girl, named Macy, who seemed to be in charge, the crowd of children stopped in front of the inn. Motioning to the other villagers to gather round, Macy then turned to marchers.

Then...singing. Such sweet voices melded in song, rising up and caressing the heavens themselves. Songs of Solstice they sang. Songs of happiness.

Xena smiled as she listened. It was this sort of thing that she had missed during her dark years, but now she was finally enjoying it with those she loved.

Nudging Gabrielle, she leaned over and whispered. "Enjoying yourself?"

The bard looked up into bright blue eyes and smiled. "This is great..far better than Poteidaia. They do this every year here?"

The dark-haired woman shook her head. "No..this is new." She chuckled. "I kinda like it."

Gabrielle's green eyes twinkled. "So do I. Happy Solstice. Xena..O Great Liberator of turkeys." She grinned.

Xena chuckled softly. "Happy Solstice to you too.. O Senticles Helper. By the way, how did it feel to lead an army?"

"About as good as it felt for you to be the bard for a change. Thanks for letting me in on this one...it was really fun," the bard winked.

Their talk was interrupted as suddenly the ringing of tiny bells could be heard. The duo turned their heads, and what they saw made their eyes open wide in surprise. Xena covered her eyes and groaned in dismay. "I will never look at her the same way ever again."

Argo danced her way through the snow with her rider precariously perched on her back. Wearing a red and white suit, which everyone knew Senticles wore, the mayor of Amphipolis hastily pulled his fake beard back up onto his face. Coming to a halt in front of the children, who were staring in awe at the scene before them. "Senticles" let out a huge "Hohoho, Happy Solstice", then proceeded to dig presents out from a huge sack on his back.

Gabrielle couldn't stop the chuckles, so she just let them come. Xena sighed and leaned over to her. "It's not funny."

"Yyyeeesss...itt..iittt...issss..." Laughed the bard quietly.

"But Gabrielle...he put antlers on her! And a red ball on her nose...she looks...ridiculous," Xena hissed.

The warrior threw up her hands as the bard collapsed in the snow, no longer laughing so quietly.

"Yeah...Merry Solstice to you too.. Bahhhhhh." *BAF*

Snow dripping down her face, Xena's icy gaze pierced deep into sparkling green laughing eyes. "Oh...you die, Bard. You die." *BAF*

And so started The Great Snowball War of Amphipolis...but that's another story.

The End

12/10/97


	3. The Great Turkey Explosion

**DISCLAIMERS:** Xena and Gabrielle are visiting you here for April Fool's Day. MCA/Universal/Renaissance doesn't know where they are, so keep it quiet, OK? This story directly follows "The Great Turkey Mystery" and "The Great Turkey Crusade", and I highly suggest you read both of them first, because I asked you too and because it'll help you with this story. These stories are part of a continuing series I call "Warrior Princess, Gobble?" and I'm having a blast writing them. (Don't ask me why I'm writing about turkeys though, I still haven't figured it out.) (originally posted online '97-'98)

No violence though apparently some raiders, who were attempting to hijack a salesman on his way to Athens, were in for a rude surprise as they were fought off by trained poultry. No subtext, unless you count what the turkeys are doing subtext. No cussin, unless you count what Cyrene is muttering under her breath, cause they're all out of chickens and she doesn't dare use the turkeys.

Hope you enjoy the read. Gobble gobble.

**The Great Turkey Explosion  
or  
T.L.F. (Turkey Liberation Front) Under Siege  
by Silk  
1998**

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Come on, Xena. You know you want to go."

"I'm still thinking about it. Last time we went I got overwhelmed by an army of sprites, goblins, and a pesky bard who decided that I made the perfect snowball target."

"Well you did."

"**AND** I might add, some people took great liberties with _my_ horse."

Gabrielle chuckled softly as the memory of Argo with antlers and a little red nose stepping daintily through the snow came to her.

It had been several months since the Solstice festival and they hadn't been back to Amphipolis since.

The blonde bard looked over at her companion who was walking beside her. Her green eyes twinkled in mischief. "You know you loved every minute of it."

The tall warrior turned her head and glared at her companion for a moment, than away. "I did not."

"Did to! You know you did." Gabrielle argued good-naturedly. "Come on, Xena. We both could use a couple of days off and Amphipolis is only a few hours away. What say you, Argo, and I go say hi to your mom and rest up a bit?"

After several silent moments, Xena rolled her eyes and let out a long suffering sigh. "Fine. But no more snowball fights."

Gabrielle looked at their surroundings and raised an eyebrow. "Where am I going to get snow this time of year? The trees and flowers are already blooming and we haven't seen snow in over a month."

"Gabrielle, " Xena grinned. "knowing my luck, you have one stored in your pack, and you're just dying to get me."

"Pessimist, " the blonde woman grinned back.

"No..just a realist. You probably got a pony in there too. Not to mention two redshirts, a loaf of nutbread or twenty, and several replacement white fuzzies for your staff, " Xena's eyes looked at the small bag hanging from the bards hip and crinkled in merriment.

The shorter woman raised her chin stubbornly and refused to look at her friend, even though she was doing her darnedest not to burst out in laughter. "For your information, it's three redshirts and only four loafs of nutbread."

The sun was lower in the afternoon sky when the two friends finally entered the village of Amphipolis. The hustle and bustle of villagers going about their daily business made the streets a maze. But the two travelers (we mustn't forget Argo now) wove their way skillfully to the village inn, which Xena's mother Cyrene owned.

As they made their way to the inn's front door, a loud noise from a neighbor's back yard caught their attention and they turned and grinned at each other knowingly.

"Well, at least, we know the turkeys are still around," Gabrielle commented.

"They'd better be after all the trouble we had to go through last time." The warrior muttered, as her sharp hearing caught several more gobbles from around the village.

"You're in a bad mood."

"No. I just know something else is going to go wrong, " Xena pointed out.

"One of your many skills I presume?" The bard rolled her eyes and opened the inn door.

"No. Call it experience. When was the last time I've been able to come home and not have something happen?" She muttered the last to herself.

The dark-haired warrior followed her companion through the entryway, her eyes immediately finding her mother serving several customers. Her mood brightened suddenly and she smiled widely. No matter what happened during their visit, and she just knew something would, it was good to be home. It always was nowadays.

"Xena!" Cyrene came running over and gave her daughter a hug, then turned to Gabrielle and did the same for her. She pulled back and gazed at the two younger women fondly. "What brings you here?"

"Why? Can't we just drop in and visit?" Xena teased.

"Scamp. You know you can." The innkeeper poked her daughter in the gut fondly, then turned a twinkling eye back to the bard.

"Hungry? Or do I need to ask?"

A loud rumble, that caught the attention of all the customers in the inn's common room, came from the bard's belly. Gabrielle scratched her chin shyly and blushed. "Umm..."

Xena laughed and made her way to a empty table, motioning for her friend to sit. "I don't starve her mother, really I don't."

Cyrene just shook her head and chuckled as she made her way through the crowd to the kitchen, immediately coming back out with two large bowls of soup.

Gabrielle took a big appreciative sniff. "Mmmm, smells good."

She dipped her spoon into the hot liquid, then stopped as she looked closer at the contents. Looking up at Cyrene she raised an eyebrow. "This isn't?"

The innkeeper shook her head. "No. It's not turkey."

She coughed slightly as she glimpsed her daughter looking suspiciously at the soup. "It's just chicken." She smiled to herself as Xena apparently believed her and started eating quietly.

"So, how's Amphipolis?" Gabrielle murmured around her spoon.

"Ooohh.." Cyrene glanced around for a moment, then turned back to her guests. "All right I guess."

Xena's spoon halted in mid-air. She didn't like the tone in her mother's voice for some reason. "You sure?"

"Umm, perhaps you should take a walk around the village tonight you two." Cyrene answered as she abruptly stood up and went back into the kitchen.

Gabrielle looked at her companion. "What was all that about?"

Xena's blue eyes looked at the kitchen door thoughtfully. "Don't know, but how about you and I take a walk after dinner?"

"Uggghhh, I'm stuffed. You're mother sure can cook." Gabrielle patted her stomach contentedly as they walked. "I know you didn't get your cooking skills from her, that's for sure."

"What? You don't like burnt rabbit and trail biscuits?" Xena commented, her eyes scanning the near darkness. The two women were indeed taking a long walk about the village, but whatever it was Cyrene had been concerned about neither Xena or Gabrielle could find out what it was.

The bard stuck her tongue out at the thought of Xena's cooking. There were a few things the warrior was really good at cooking, but Gabrielle chalked it up to a fluke for the most part. After they had first met and a few nights of the warrior's campfire cooking, Gabrielle had stubbornly taken over the chore with a vengeance since.

A turkey call broke the silence, and soon the night air was filled with answering calls until the din was almost overwhelming.

Gabrielle walked on a few steps, until she realized her companion had stopped several feet back and was just standing there with a perplexed look on her face. "What's wrong?"

Xena frowned slightly. "How many turkeys were there in Amphipolis the last time we were here?"

The bard blinked in confusion. "How many?" She shrugged.

"I have no idea, you're the one who would know. They were in your barn after all."

"Hmmm." The warrior listened quietly for several long moments, her head turning this way and that, to hear better as the sounds of turkeys gobbling came to her. "Fifty-two, fifty-three, fifty-four, "

Gabrielle waited patiently, her attention going back and forth from her friend to the now quieting turkeys and back again.

When the din had finally settled and the normal night sounds finally could be heard, the bard asked, "Well? You going to tell me what's wrong?"

For an answer, Xena grabbed Gabrielle by the arm and started walking them quickly back to the inn.

"Mother?"

Cyrene winced as she heard the familiar bellow of her daughter. "In here, dear."

The kitchen door swung open and the innkeeper's tall daughter came striding in the room, followed closely by a bewildered blonde bard.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on now?" Xena demanded as she came to a halt in front of her mother.

Cyrene sighed and rolled her eyes. "I'd have thought it was obvious."

"I don't see it as a problem. I don't know why you do." Xena replied as she attempted to reach into a mixing bowl filled with sweetbread dough and got her hand smacked for a reward. Smiling innocently she licked her finger and looked back down at her mother.

"Look, Xena." Cyrene coughed politely. "You know about the birds and the bees right?"

"Mother, please!" The warrior drawled, ignoring the snickering coming from her companion behind her.

"Well..as a consequence of you hiding those turkeys out in the back barn for over two months, Amphipolis is under, well, call it a _Turkey Boom_." The older woman waved her hands emphatically.

Xena blinked slowly several times before she answered. "So?"

Gabrielle stepped forward and interrupted. "How many turkeys are there now?" The bard asked the gray-haired woman.

"Two hundred and forty three." Xena answered before her mother could. Seeing the woman's disbelief the warrior shrugged. "They were making a lot of noise. I just counted."

"Two hundred and forty three? That's more than last week when the town council counted." Cyrene commented.

"What's the big deal? I'm sure the kids are happy." The warrior smiled. Before the Harvest festival the children of the village had kept clear of her, but after rescuing all their pet turkeys from certain destruction, Xena was now the "The Great Turkey Liberator", and a hero amongst them all.

Cyrene looked at her daughter with an unreadable expression, then grabbed her hand. "Follow me." She commanded as she pulled Xena along, exiting out the back door to the inn.

The sight that met Xena's and Gabrielle's eyes was almost too ridiculous for words, but as usual the bard summed it up perfectly.

"Oh my."

Where once, their little fenced in back yard, had housed twenty chickens for meat and eggs, and only one turkey (rescued on that pre-Harvest festival night and returned with the rest of the birds in the village after Solstice), was now easily more than twenty

turkeys and a few chickens.

"They are breeding like rabbits." Cyrene said with exasperation. "And because of you, we can't eat them."

"I should hope not!" The tall woman replied. It was an open secret in the village now, that the warrior took a dimview of turkey eating. Ever since she was a child, when her and Lyceus had rescued the village turkeys on a similar quest, she had refused to eat turkey meat since. How can you eat a pet after all?

"Well..if we can't eat them, what are we going to do with them?" Cyrene asked in frustration. "We're being overrun. In a couple of months we'll be swamped by turkeys."

"I... I don't know, " Xena replied. She understood the problem, but she also didn't want to be responsible for the mass-consumption of turkeys in the village and the heartbreak she knew the children would go through if their pets died.

Silently, the three women regarded the flock of birds in the backyard.

After several moments, one of them had an answer.

Salmoneus, tradesman extraordinaire, wanted in three city-states and nineteen villages for fraud, stood in the grand marketplace in the center of Athens.

The rotund man cheerfully looked at the morning crowd. "This is going to be a great day! I just know it!" he crowed happily. Seeing that the aisles were starting to get crowded with shoppers, he started his spiel.

"Attention, Athenian shoppers. I have for you a great deal today!" Salmoneus' voice got the attention of the nearby crowd. Waving his hands at his goods he continued. "From Amphipolis, the latest in home security systems. Bred and trained by Xena, the Warrior Princess herself! I give you, the _Amphipolis Secuirty Turkey_! Nine out of ten villagers recommend these trained turkeys to protect your home! Better than a mere dog! Who needs to pay the wages of a guard when you have the fierce protect Amphipolis turkey by your side!"

He picked up a large turkey specimen and thrust it under the curious eyes of a matron. "Why, these are all the rage madam! Give one to your husband! Give one to each of your children! Be the first one on your block to own an authentic certified Amphipolis Warrior Turkey! For only, and this is a great deal here folks, twenty-five dinars!"

And so, the greatest bird known to the world as the turkey, became mankind's greatest friend. And all due to..no..not the Great Turkey Liberator, but her sidekick, Gabrielle. Oh yeah..and Salmoneus too.

The End

4/2/98


	4. The Great Turkey Stampede

**DISCLAIMERS:** Xena and Gabrielle are visiting again. MCA/Universal/Renaissance still doesn't know where they are, so keep it quiet, OK? Xena's getting kinda cranky with all this third season stuff and just might start tossing around the chakram to "ease" some of her worries.

This story directly follows "The Great Turkey Mystery", "The Great Turkey Crusade", and "The Great Turkey Explosion", and I highly suggest you read all of them first, because I asked you too and because it'll help you with this story. These stories are part of a continuing series I call "Warrior Princess…_Gobble?_" and I'm having a blast writing them. (Don't ask me why I'm writing about turkeys though, I still haven't figured it out.) ;}~~~

Violence? Nope. No subtext either. The turkeys, Xena and Gabrielle are too busy for that this time around. No cussin, well…yes there is..but you can't understand it anyway. It's in a different language. Hope you enjoy the read. Gobble gobble.

**The Great Turkey Stampede**  
**or**  
**T.L.F. (Turkey Liberation Front) To The Rescue**  
_by Silk  
copyright 1998_

Gabrielle hung on dutifully to the saddle-horn of Argo's saddle as Xena guided them both down the road. The warm spring day was a pleasant change from the week-long bout of rain they'd traveled in lately and both women were enjoying the change in weather.

"Soo… how long until we reach Amphipolis?" Gabrielle smiled pleasantly as her eyes gazed at the new growth of flowers and fresh grass.

"A day or so. Why? We just left Athens almost two weeks ago, tired of sleeping on the ground already?" The tall dark-haired warrior asked as she looked over her shoulder at her companion.

"Nahh…just wondering. I was just hoping to get some new parchment, I kind of forgot to do that at the last village a few days back," the bard stated.

Xena chuckled softly. "I'm sure Salmoneus could have gotten you a great deal if you'd have asked when we were in Athens."

"Can you believe that?" The blond woman shook her head in astonishment at the thought of their friend. "He's making a fortune."

"Yeah, well I did catch him trying to pass a plain old chicken off as a turkey to this one fellow, but it didn't take much from me to get Salmoneus to promise he won't try that again," the warrior smirked.

"Xena: Great Turkey Trainer. Has an interesting ring to it, don't you think? I haven't written down the story yet, but perhaps…"

"NO!" Xena turned and glared up at her friend fiercely. "Do you know embarrassing it was in Athens when people would come up to me and ask me to sign their turkeys, for Zeus' sake? It's…it's…"

"Rather funny if you ask me. You are quite famous." Gabrielle giggled, then put on a straight face as her companion glared at her once again.

"Real funny. I'm no longer the Warrior Princess and its all thanks to you. Couldn't you have thought up another idea besides using _my _name to sell Amphipolis' turkeys?" Xena's glare changed to an almost crestfallen expression. "It was your idea, why didn't you just take the credit."

"People only know me as a bard. You're the warrior and far more well known. Besides, I think it's good for your image."

Xena stopped drawing Argo to a halt and stared up at her friend in disbelief. "Good for my image? _**Good for my image? **_Xena's Home Security Systems. She's guaranteed to train your turkey in thirty days or your money back? Did you honestly listen to some of the things Salmoneus was saying?"

Gabrielle scratched her chin and thought about how she should answer, but nothing came to her. Just as she was about to try and change the subject, her eyes caught something in the distance.

"Xena?" The bard's green eyes were narrowed as she scrutinized the far hill.

"Hmmmrrpphh." Thinking that her friend wasn't going to answer her, Xena just snorted and started on her way again, still leading Argo.

"Xena? Look up there." Gabrielle pointed through the trees.

Sullenly, the warrior did as she was asked. With a small gasp she abruptly stopped in her tracks yet again as her keen eyes spotted what her companion had seen. After a few quiet moments she looked over at Gabrielle. "Didn't we do this two months ago?"

"No. You did it. I was rather…incapacitated at the time," the smaller woman said wryly. "So. What's the plan?"

Xena turned her attention back to the far hill and thought about that for a few moments. Finally she shrugged. "There aren't any towns close enough, except for Amphipolis, and I don't have any caches of weapons nearby. We do need to warn them though."

Gabrielle nodded silently and waited for her friend to continue.

The tall warrior suddenly stood straighter and walked to Argo's side and started riffling through the saddlebags. "There's only one thing to do."

"And that would be?" the bard asked with a curious look as she watched Xena pack a small bag with food and other items.

"I hold them off while you go to Amphipolis and round up the local guard," the warrior answered with a matter of fact tone. "That means we meet up in...two to three days."

"You've got to be kidding? You against an entire army? Again?"

"Got any better ideas?" Xena asked absently, still packing.

Gabrielle thought for a moment than grinned slyly. "Matter of fact, yes. And it'll help your reputation some more too."

The bard told her companion her idea, and after a long argument, finally got the warrior to agree with her plan, although Gabrielle could still see Xena wasn't too pleased with it.

"Ok. I'll get everything ready, you slow them down?" the bard asked, just to make sure Xena understood.

Crystal sapphire eyes rolled back in exasperation. "I can't believe I'm doing this, but yes."

Gabrielle grinned down at Xena and patted her on the shoulder. "Allrighty then, I'm off. Take care and keep out of trouble."

Xena watched apprehensively as Argo galloped toward Amphipolis with Gabrielle hanging on tightly. "This had gotten way out of hand. And I do mean _way way _out of hand." She muttered to herself quietly then disappeared into the wood to start on her part of the scheme. The vexed warrior didn't stop muttering for quite some time.

The Persian soldier leaned against his spear as his eyes tried to pierce the darkness searching for any sign of trouble.

The newest army to attempt to conquer Greece was having a very bad streak of luck these past few days and the soldiers were becoming concerned. Landslides down slopes that should have been stable. Fields that, to the naked eye, looked safe, but underneath were so waterlogged that it had taken them a day to rescue the horses and wagons. Hills pocked with so many holes that another day had been wasted as horses had to be led carefully through the area.

The sentry shook his head in astonishment. How so many gophers could make so many holes was amazing to him.

Finally, and most unsettling, were the barbarous totems. Huge poles decorated with talons, feathers, and carvings in a bizarre menacing display. The word had spread quickly when the carved Grecian symbols had been translated by one of the officers.

_Beware the wrath of the Turkey Lords! May your skin erupt in feathers, may your words come out garbled if you trespass! Beware!_

The Persian shivered uncontrollably, then glanced nervously about. He had seen for himself some of the horrific images on the poles, of monsters that seemed to be a cross between both bird and man. Huge warriors towering over their prey. Fierce of eye, with razor sharp beaks, they looked like creatures from the worst of nightmares.

The man slapped himself on the forehead and rolled his eyes at himself._ What am I thinking? We are Persian! We shall make Greece and the world fall to their knees before us and no would-be terrors will stop us!_

Feeling much better, he stood straighter and scanned the darkness. It completely surprised him then when a huge immense shape seemed to erupt in front of his face from out of nowhere. A loud savage cry broke the night, sending fear down the Persian's back and causing him to drop his weapon and bolt screaming back to the camp.

A moment later, the nearby bushes rustled and a dark figure came out. Picking up the large turkey, that was pecking at the soldier's forgotten spear, the figure cradled it gently and walked back into the brush.

The only evidence of the mysterious attack were several feathers that littered the ground.

"Well, this is it." Gabrielle whispered as she peeked over the crest of the hill, down upon the Persian army.

Xena grinned wickedly. "This is going to be fun. _If_ it works."

"It'll work..._if_ you did your part." The bard countered as the two companions carefully crept back down the backside of the hill towards their troops.

The warrior's eyes shined in the moonlight night. "Sneaking into their camp was the easiest part. It was waiting for you for three days that was difficult. Do you know how hard it is to make four hundred gopher holes and to change the direction of several streams? I'm so tired and sore that I could sleep for a week," Xena moaned.

"Not until we run off the Persians, Xena."

The two women stopped in front of the massed forces the bard had brought.

Xena turned and raised an eyebrow at her friend. "Are you sure about this?"

"Hey...look. I took some of that stuff, if you'll remember? After the totems and all the troubles they've been having lately, let alone all the poor guards you've scared the wits out of," the bard giggled softly. "they're ripe for picking. Trust me. If you gave them enough they'll believe anything."

The dark-haired woman nodded, trying to suppress a smile of her own. "Yeah, I remember. Boy...do I remember."

The Persian army slept peacefully in the night. The soft calls of passing sentries the only sound to break the silence. It was a welcome change from the past few nights. Reports from dozens of soldiers of horrendous creatures attacking them while on duty had changed the moral of the army drastically.

The night was nearing an end though, when the peace of their slumber was shattered.

It started out a single cry, haunting and sending shivers of terror down the spines of those who were awake and rudely awakening those who weren't. Then the single cry became two. Then the terrifying sounds erupted into a countless wails.

Panic ruled the camp, as the soldiers dressed and armed themselves. The Bird Lords had come.

Hearts pounding they drew closer to each other as they tried to see their enemy, but saw no sign of them.

Then a cry of fear from an officer as he spotted the first one.

High upon a hill, outlined by the setting moon, stood a monster. Then as they watched, the lone bird warrior was joined by another and yet another, until the top of the hill was lined with them. Hundreds of fearsome nightmarish creatures.

The Persian army fled.

Xena nodded to one of the herdboys as he chased down an errant turkey. Amphipolis was only a candlemark or two away and the warrior looked forward to a soft bed and a long hot bath.

"Well. This is going to make a great story." Gabrielle said as she trotted alongside her friend.

Sparkling blue eyes looked at her painfully. "I don't suppose you could use somebody else's name? Blame this on Hercules? You know? Pigs...turkeys? Same thing," Xena asked hopefully.

The bard grinned over at her companion. "Nope. I'll let you keep taking the credit for all these."

A long suffering sigh. "This is going to ruin my reputation."

"Xena drives off an entire Persian army, without a single blow? You got to be kidding? This will make you more famous!" Gabrielle insisted, a twitching lip the only sign of the laughter that threatened to escape.

"They didn't even see me. If was all the turkeys," she paused. "Well...and the henbane. Those soldiers were so high on the stuff that we probably didn't need to bring the whole flock from Amphipolis. One would have done it I bet."

"Better to be safe than sorry. You use up all the henbane?"

"Hmm...most of it. There was some left over..." Xena listened to Gabrielle's stomach growl and pulled a small package out of her saddlebag. Holding it out to her green eyed companion she smiled sweetly. "Care for some nutbread?"

"Oooo...yes!" The bard's hands snatched the package and tore it quickly open.

Xena's smile grew as she watched the smaller woman start devouring the slices of delicious bread. "Revenge is sweet."

"Mmmmmwhat?" Gabrielle asked around a mouthful.

"I said that bread sure looks sweet." The warrior answered innocently.

The End

4/6/98


End file.
